procrastination is a Fine Art!

Guys I have a problem!

I have no patience. Or rather, I have plenty of patience most of the time, but at the times when I’m suddenly cognizant of really really needing to be patient, I don’t have it. I get all antsy and I jump around and fidget and when I’m supposed to be reading like 600 pages of sociology or writing a term paper, I instead write massive amounts of slightly comprehensible babbling about various (slightly) philosophical musings! I have 5 hour convos w/friends and I think things are ready to settle for a week (so I can take finals) and then … sneak sneak sneak… **WHAM!!!** a barrage of thoughts and confusion just WAITING to be processed smack me upside the head and I sort of smile and reply, “Well, if you insist.” Then I laugh at the absurdity of existence and pretend that my homework will finish itself as long as I have enough passion.
Next thing I know it’s 4AM and although I’ve been doing NOTHING but ‘working’ for the past 18 hours, I’ve ‘accomplished’ per se NOTHING, although I may have designed a proof for the latest wonder of my small universe.
Generally, I love this state of affairs. It’s intoxicating and addicting, like climbing really tall white pines or jumping face first into snow banks. BUT the *problem* comes when I can’t surround myself with enough people who want to discuss intense things at random hours when we ‘should’ be doing other ‘more important’ things. (Because the argument that understanding our universes is THE most important thing sort of loses flavor when it’s all you do). With only myself to converse with and about, I GO CRAAAAAZY! This thanksgiving break I (purposefully) spent 72 hours with only 1, 2, or perhaps 3 conversations (that would be with other people). The rest of the time I spent more or less in the same room, walking to the kitchen, or playing piano. Guess what happened??!? I read 377 pages exactly and spent the rest of time losing touch with reality, or transcending myself, or something, in some sort of illusory out of body dream world. Inside my own head the speed or intensity at which I was mulling and processing was of no effect! And thus it was a little higher than I think I can even be conscious of right now.

Before I get too far, let me say that I made a concerted effort (unusually concerted for me) this term, from almost its very beginning, to live internally. By which I mean, to not deal with any subject or experience or relationship or thought, without living the time and energy to allow and encourage it to become part of the essence of my being. Some might say, to internalize it. Obviously this isn’t the kind of thing one can sit down and command to happen, so I’m sure there were a fair share of things that slipped by. But I consciously cut down on my activities, tried to penetrate the surface even more in my interactions, and focused on learning to feel, to merge intellect and emotion. At this point I’m speculating that in order to do that for a variety of things, it meant I started to analyze, well, everything, even more than usual. Because in order to internalize something you have to understand where it’s coming from, how it was formed, where it’s going, etc. This generally requires a lot of ‘unpacking’ as I like to say, and tends to upset large aspects of our lives that we once took for granted. Living internally also requires that my typical external-processing (talking through w/friends etc.) be coupled with a different kind of processing, one that is better described in colors and feelings than in words or sentences, I think. Emotionally, it’s been intense and definitely out of control (although I don’t mind, I tend to dislike being in control).

Well, whatever it was I was doing this past weekend, whirling smoothly and rapidly in and out of I know not what, the transition back to my habitual environment (class, work, friends, activities) has been messy. I find myself very wrapped up in my own expectations for the world, which include every person questioning herself and her frameworks and her very reason for existing, rather endlessly and at an (extraordinarily?) fast rate. At Dartmouth we call this “intensity.” I was hoping that some self/emotional processing time would allow me to better dwell in the realities of folks who, for a variety of legitimate reasons, do not prefer the level of intensity that I seem privy to. Instead the opposite happened! I became LESS patient!
And now when I swore to finish the same book I started exactly 5 days ago at this time (then vowing to finish it before bed), I have intellectualized (if you can call it that) away another 25 minutes of my time and 3 minutes of yours. I’m against commodification of time and existence. But I need patience!

Also I’m laughing hard right now, which is good I think. :-D You should laugh too, it’s so healthy!
hahahahahahahahahaha

worship?

It's almost finals time... here's a disastoriously disorganized rambling, inspired by a (somewhat) recent semi-discussion w/a friend about whether or not i should share my God's Kingdom in a Child poem at an interfellowship campus worship gathering. Some excerpts from an email I sent her:

you know when i wrote that poem i actually had no particular intent to share it (i tend not to about my art--insecurities maybe, or just inexperience), but as i was putting the finishing touches on it i said to myself, i think this is what worship is. not particularly the act of sharing it, but the act of creating it. ok, which i think is what led me to share it in lieu of a sermon at GBCS -- i've started to feel that worship is a conversation, a desire to discern with others, an intentional moment or lifetime to insist on dwelling on thoughts and actions of kingdom building. so sharing the poem was reliving its act of creation, but more importantly instigating the conversation. presenting my identity in an attempt to create space for the identities of others to be present. which is, i would imagine, partially how the idea of preaching came about long ago. but somehow it got all conflated with these silly (masculine?) obsessions with authority, and we started thinking that some folks have more legitimate phonelines to god and should be training the rest of us or something.
however i would pose the question: what is the difference between that (preaching) and our songs? are they not invoking a particular theological framework that relies on submission to authority?; i'm not convinced that the 'participatory' nature of singing along is truly participatory. i certainly don't feel that many of the songs we sing nowadays make any space for my identity. rather they tend to delegitimize my desire to build the kingdom... i suppose these ponderings come from a (somewhat) recent paradigm shift and thereby realigning and reconciliation of my actions in the world and theologies that at their core were designed to rationalize people not taking the kind of action that i take; that at their core pacify us into acceptance of a an unjust world, because 'god giveth and god taketh away' and us sinners are to 'wait for our rewards in heaven.' take the song 'light of the world', for instance -- 'light of the world, you stepped down into darkness, openned my eyes, let me see...Humbly you came to the earth you created, all for love's sake became poor. And I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross (2x).' you know i used to love that song -- typed it from memory. at this juncture, incidentally, i find singing it to be almost the opposite of worship.

Rock on South Africa

South African Parliament Approves Same-Sex Marriages

By SHARON LaFRANIERE
Published: November 15, 2006

JOHANNESBURG, Nov. 14 — Parliament on Tuesday voted resoundingly to legalize same-sex marriages in South Africa, making the nation the first in Africa and the fifth in the world to remove legal barriers to them, according to advocates.
Skip to next paragraph
Readers’ Opinions
Forum: Gay Rights

The nation’s highest court ruled last December that South Africa’s marriage statute violated the Constitution’s guarantee of equal rights. The court gave the government a year to alter the legal definition of marriage.

That left the government with three choices: legalize same-sex marriages, let the court change the law by fiat or alter the Constitution, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Under the proposal approved by Parliament, heterosexual and same-sex couples could register marriages or civil partnerships. In a concession to critics, the law also would allow civil officers to refuse to marry same-sex couples if such marriages conflicted with their conscience.

If the measure is to become law, as both sides said they expected, it must be approved by the National Council of Provinces and signed by President Thabo Mbeki.

In many African nations, homosexuality is still treated as a crime. Some impose stiffer penalties for homosexual acts than for rape and murder.

And African leaders have regularly denounced homosexuality as immoral and a violation of the natural order and African culture.

Melanie Judge, the program manager for OUT, a gay rights advocacy group, said Parliament had taken a courageous stance in the face of strong political pressure.

Although some countries recognize civil partnerships between same-sex couples, she said, only the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain and Canada now allow same-sex marriages.

Ms. Judge credits South Africa’s liberal Constitution with forcing change. “This has been a litmus test of our constitutional values,” she said. “It forced us to consider: What does equality really mean? What does it look like? Equality does not exist on a sliding scale.”

Religious groups and traditional leaders proposed to nullify the court ruling by amending the Constitution. But their bill to define marriage as being between a man and a woman died in parliamentary committee. Steve Swart, a legislator with the African Christian Democratic Party and a proponent of the constitutional amendment, said the Parliament had ignored the views of ordinary citizens — and international norms.

“We are out of step with the rest of Africa and with rest of world,” he said. “The international norm is civil unions, as opposed to same-sex marriages. What happened today conflicts with the views of the majority of South Africans.”

He attributed the 230-to-41 vote for the measure to whip-cracking by the governing party, the African National Congress. One party leader was quoted this month as saying that the A.N.C. expected its legislators to support the bill, regardless of their personal beliefs.

Vytjie Mentor, the party’s caucus chairman, told a South African newspaper, The Sunday Independent, that there was “no such thing as a free vote or a vote of conscience.”

“How do you give someone permission to discriminate in the name of the A.N.C.?” he said. “How do you allow for someone to vote against the Constitution and the policies of the A.N.C., which is antidiscrimination?”

Still, Ms. Judge, the gay rights advocate, said the new provision allowing civil officers to refuse to marry gay couples was unconstitutional and would provoke legal challenges.

“We can’t be in the situation where civil officers can decide who they want to marry and who they don’t want to marry,” she said. “They aren’t able to refuse to marry a black person and a white person. Why are same-sex couples different?”

Election Day!!!!!

Obviously, I have to post something in honor of THE COOLEST DAY IN NOVEMBER!

As our leaders parade "democracy," let's be reminded that we have some of the most abysmal voting turnout rates in the world. In the recent second round of the Congolese Presidential elections, turnout rates hovered around 80%. In Brazil's elections last week, it was the same story. But we'll be lucky to hit 40% in the U.S. That means 40% of the country choosing leaders for themselves and the remaining 60%. When Kenyans asked me why we reelected Bush, the first thing I say is that for starters, only 25% of our country voted for him. Half of the eligible voters didn't vote. What kind of 'government of the people' is this?

To those who choose not to participate in a system that breeds corruption, insulation, and affluence: what will change by your not voting?

To those who find themselves too busy, stretched, overwhelmed, to take time to get educated and head to the polls: to what end is your activism? Are you struggling for the right of every person's voice? And if so, what are you accomplishing by not voting?

It's a small thing, and it takes a few minutes. Get out there and do it.