transitions

Since I apparently lost interest in blogging, I'm turning this into a transition journal. They seem to be the hip thing, and I know I've been grateful to read other FtM's transition blogs...

I hope to update every couple months, or whenever I'm inspired, with pics and whatnot.
So here we go!

I got my first shot of testosterone four weeks ago. No major noticeable appearance changes as of yet, other than some muscle gain in my arms and forearms (combo of climbing and lifting a little). I'm posting some pics of me pre-T.

As for other changes...those have been fun, hehehe. My sex drive tripled, at least. I have to admit I give guys a little more credit now...while I'm sure many women have a similar libido to mine now, the impact a shot of testosterone had was kind of undeniable (and more than I expected). My metabolism increased pretty dramatically as well; despite the heat, I'm often eating probably 1.5 - sometimes 2 times as much as I used to, both in terms of quantity and frequency of meals. I remember when I used to split a box of mac and cheese with my brother...now I down a box easily for lunch, and toss in an apple and a few glasses of milk. Breakfast is easily two bowls of cereal and a few slices of toast; dinner a couple burgers or a footlong sub sandwich...and lots of snacks in between, of course... I'm sleeping about the same amount as pre-T, although that might be because of the heat. My voice is already maybe a third (music third--2.5 notes) down, which I'm pretty psyched about. In terms of passing for male, I often think it's my voice (though it was fairly low to begin with) that throws people.
I just got my third shot, and I've noticed it's a little bit of a swing (I take it every two weeks so my body naturally distributes the testosterone on its own, but for the last few days I've got a bit less in my system), but nothing too annoying.

On the mental front, it feels good to have T in my system. I wouldn't say I ever had persistent severe dislike of my body before living into a trans identity, but this past winter and spring the body dysphoria has gotten intense at times and it's a 180 shift to suddenly be excited about my body. I've been thinking a lot about what 'transition' means for me, and recognizing that as much body dysphoria as I still have, I do love my ever-more androgynous looking body a lot, and can't imagine ever wanting to not identity as trans (ie to identity as a man, rather than a transman). I love asserting my masculinity despite my more feminine appearance (for example, being read as a guy even though I still have a more feminine bone/face structure), and I love that my masculinity isn't attached to a strong female identity (ex, I'm not athletic by day, party girl by night) so it disrupts people even more when they try to identify me. Still, I have to admit I probably enjoy androgyny more now because it IS attached to a masculine identity. I'm queer...but definitely desire to be queer from the male side of the spectrum.